What do you know about coaching? What value does coaching provide? Should you hire a coach, or a mentor? What is the difference? Some people consider coaching “powerful” – what do they mean? Will you become better at work if you gain coaching skills? For instance, will you become a better leader or a sales person? Let’s find out. If you don’t know too much about coaching, then this introductory text could be a real eye opener. Coaching really changed my life and it might change yours too. To illustrate the power of coaching, let me tell a real life story.

Case study – stopping a speedster

Recently I completed a course in coaching, and received a diploma in ICF coaching. My coaching teacher told the following story. One day my teacher drove at 168km/h on a small road with a speed limit of 30km/h. The police caught him, and the police officer told him to get into the police car for a “conversation”.
– Dang! Now the officer will scream and yell how stupid I am, and how I could have killed someone. Urgh, I really don’t want this “conversation”. 🙁

So he entered the police car. After 60 minutes he came out. Totally changed. He drove home, and did not touch his car for a month. He quit his job and switched occupation. How could the officer totally transform him? What powerful words did the officer command?

Now consider the options the police officer had, to try to stop a speedster from driving too fast again and potentially kill someone. So, what could the officer do? What would happen if the officer yelled and scolded my teacher? Would that change a speedster’s behavior? No. Most probably, my teacher would have apologized sincerely, and the very next day he would again drive too fast. It is like parents telling children not do something bad and the child says “yes, dad, I am sorry dad, no, I will not do that again”. And guess what, the child will do the very same thing again. So how could the officer in only 60 minutes create a lasting change in my teacher? This text explains what the officer did. BTW, imagine a salesperson equipped with this knowledge, what could he not sell?

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A side note. My opinion on how to decide if you should spend time on a course or reading a book: time is really well spent if the course/book changes your mindset and opens up your mind to send your thoughts in totally new directions. But, if you learn a new subject, that time is also well spent. And, if a book/course just deepens what you already know, you could maybe spend that time in a better way. For instance, the book “Rich dad, poor dad” by Robert Kiyosaki was a real eye opener to me. It deeply changed how I think about career and work. Earlier I just wanted a well paid corporate job, but not anymore. I can really recommend that book because it changes your mindset. Similarly, coaching changed my mindset in a profound way. Let me explain.

Why I applied to a course in coaching

DISC analysis shows that my personality is Red and Blue. I will write a post on DISC analysis later, so you too, can understand yourself better and understand why you behave in a certain way. People with Red personalities tend to be fast, use gut feeling to make decisions, want quick results and therefore can be perceived as dominant and bossy because they are always in a hurry. Blue people are detail oriented, and give lot of details in their texts or blog posts. Red people tend to take charge and tell what people should do and why – because we just want fast results we typically get straight to the point without chit-chat. Red people are very good at monologues, but bad at dialogues. That is far from optimal if you want to make people feel they are seen and heard, and downright awful if you are a leader or a salesperson. Donald Trump has a very Red personality.

Because I am Red, I can be a pain sometimes. I must be softer, and listen to people instead of just spewing out my own thoughts. But I dont really know how to do that. I have no tools for that. When people tell me about their problems, it is really hard for me to shut up and not tell them how to solve the problems. I must really bite my tongue to hold back. Even worse, sometimes people object to my solution, which starts a discussion where I tell them exactly in what way my solution is objectively better (according to some criteria I have selected, like profit, return on investment, etc), and why my solution yields a better result. And even when my solution is clearly better, the person still sometimes choose to not follow my advice. Why? Because I acted like an a**hole when I laid forth my arguments. I lacked fingerspitzengefuhle. This personality trait is very bad especially if you are a salesperson. I dont want to be such a person. So how I can change this behavior?

Enter coaching. That is why I applied to this ICF course in coaching. Coaching allows you to connect with people in a non confrontative way. Whom do people listen to the most? Why, themselves of course! Essentially, coaching convinces people, by making them convince themselves. And that is why coaching is powerful and creates a lasting change. You cannot convince people, nor change them. They will not listen to you. But, they listen to themselves, to their own inner voice – and that is the key. Bring forth the client’s inner voice, facilitate a dialogue between the client, and himself – and there will be a change.

Case study – stopping a speedster, continued

Let me conclude the story about my fast driving coaching teacher. So what magic words did the police officer command? Well, the officer just asked deep probing questions:
-Why did you drive so fast? Are you trying to escape something, or are you trying to reach something? How fast do you live your own life? How do you really feel? What is going on, inside your mind? Do you often feel stressed? Etc.

All these questions started a thought process in my teacher, which made him reevaluate everything, not touch the car for a month, quit his job and switch occupation. All this, from a single meeting of 60 minutes. Isn’t this powerful, or what say you?

So, telling people what do to, is of very limited value. People will hear you, but not listen. Even though they know you are right, they will not follow your advice. Because the only person they listen to, is themselves. So if you can steer their thoughts in a certain direction (by asking the right questions), people might change behavior. Not always, but sometimes.

So the role of being a good coach is to never tell the client what to do. The role of a coach is to ask deep probing clever questions and let the client figure out themselves why they behave in a certain way, and what they should do. Sometimes the client has a locked mindset, but a single clever question can free their mind and make them reevaluate their whole point of view. This is exactly how Socrates taught in ancient Greek, it is sometimes called “Socratic coaching”. The very word “coaching”, comes from the Hungarian city Kocs, where they manufactured wagons. The metafor is that you travel with your client in a wagon. The definition of coaching according to the ICF (International Coaching Federation) is:

“Partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential.”

Let me give you a somewhat contrived example. Say someone tries to convince a person to change opinion by presenting well spoken arguments. Quite often this fails. Assume you notice the person have slightly conflicting opinions on this matter but he is not aware of the discrepancy. What happens if you can pin point this discrepancy?
-I notice you say A but you also say B. These two statements are conflicting with what you said earlier regarding C. So what is your opinion actually?

The person will feel discomfort when his behavior does not align with his values or beliefs, i.e. he will feel “cognitive dissonance”. To resolve this conflict, the person is forced to change his opinion. It is not always easy to come up with powerful questions, but after some coaching experience, you will learn some standard questions that are powerful and have an effect. Let me give you another example, from coaching a client of mine.

Case study – moving abroad

I had this client who wanted to sell his house, move to Thailand and switch occupation. Have a new start. However, he was certain his wife would not approve of such a big change, it might end in a divorce. So he did not know what to do, and had struggled for a long time. He was afraid of discussing his dream.

We had a 60-minute coaching session, where I asked him lot of questions.
– Exactly what are you afraid of? Why are you afraid, can you tell me more? What is going on in your head? What do you really want to do with your life? How important is your wife to you? When would be an ideal time to start this discussion? Etc.

After the session, my client had a clearer view of his fears and what he really wanted. Within a few weeks, my client had discussed with his wife and they agreed to sell their house. Today they live in a much warmer country. Not Thailand, but they moved abroad. It just took one coaching session to create a change within my client, face his fears and take action. What would have happened if I just told him to discuss with his wife? Such words would not have allayed his fears, so he would still hesitate to this day. Instead, my questions started a transformation in him. The difference is similar to if I tell someone to quit smoking, or if I make him want to quit smoking. Huge difference in effect.

I have another client, who recently got a job offer as a CEO for a tech consulting company. My client wanted a coaching session regarding if he should shut down his own one man consulting firm and accept the CEO position, or not. He said:
– I really appreciate talking with you, because you let me figure out everything on my own. All my friends tell me what to do, i.e. accept this CEO position. Not you. Instead you dissect this question from different angels by asking deep and clever questions. After you have surfaced my unconscious underlying fears and desires, I can now make my own informed decision. I am in charge of the whole process. You are just guiding me to a more informed answer. It is like discussing with a more experienced and clever version of myself.

Case study – doctors

My coaching teachers told another story when they held a coaching course for a team of physicians, all where cardiologist specialists. The head doctor was frequently asked by the junior doctors when they had a patient. They wanted to confirm they wouldn’t mess up anything, because they lacked confidence. And because the head doctor always was available, and always had the answer, he taught the juniors to not take action before they had double checked with him, i.e. he essentially taught them passivity. But, after completing the coaching course, the head doctor said:
– Well, coaching is very difficult and takes time to learn. I can not change my behavior and immediately start asking deep and clever questions, as I am trained to always provide an answer, and not ask questions. Instead I will start simple. I will simply ask my junior doctors “what is your own opinion on this?” instead of providing the answer.

And now, when the junior doctors asks the head doctor, he responds with asking about their opinion. And deep inside, they already know the answer. They usually say:
– I think the first step could be bla bla and then maybe we should bla bla
– Perfect! Very well, now go and do that!

After this change in attitude, he noticed the junior doctors became much more confident and independent. They learned more and grew. And they stopped pestering him all the time. He got less work. Earlier, he was a bottle neck. Everything went through him, he had to approve everything. Not anymore. Win-win.

Case study – consultants

Managers at a very big well known corporation, are assigned junior consultants, and expected to mentor and guide them. One manager told me about his mentoring problems. The juniors were not really happy with the mentoring, and several juniors had requested another manager instead. So clearly, something needed to change. To find out the problem, I suggested a role playing scenario where I was a junior mentor. This is basically how our “meeting” went.
– Hello, nice to meet again and welcome to our next mentoring meeting!
– Hello and thanx!
– So, do you have any questions since the last meeting? Do you have anything on your mind?
– Uh… Not really?
– Ok, so no questions?
– No, not right now?
– Ok, in that case, lets conclude this meeting and see you next time! Bye!

This was basically it. I mentioned that the meeting was quite shallow, and did not provide much interaction with the junior? The manager responded, he does not want to ask lot of questions, because probing questions could intrude the personal sphere. Better to keep the meeting professional, strict and formal, than discuss personal issues.

So I suggested some changes: act like a coach and ask lot of deep probing questions. Asking deep probing questions is seldom a problem, because people love to talk about themselves. And if it gets to personal, the client will tell you. And if you fear a question is too personal, ask if the client feels uncomfortable and if you should talk about something else. So we did a new coaching role playing session, where I again was the junior.
– Hello, welcome!
– Thanx.
– Do you want to talk about something special today?
– No, not really?
– Then I suggest we talk about what keeps you motivated!
– Huh? Ok?
– So what do you love at work?
– I love to keep people happy, and help them!
– Ok, why is that?
– I just love it.
– Ok, but why? What happens inside you when you make people happy?
– I get happy too!
– Why is that important to you?
– It feels good.
– Are there other ways to make you feel good, other than helping people?
– Yes, I also like making an impact.
– Why? Tell me more?
etc

Here we see that the manager did not let go, and just kept digging deeper and deeper, in the same area. If you do keep digging deep enough, you will unearth the clients hidden desires and motivations. Eventually, the client will become silent and say something like:
– Well, that is a good question. I have never thought about that, and why I behave like this. I must think a bit before I can answer.

And this is when you hit jackpot. Keep digging and give the client time to think. Don´t disturb him. Now the client has learned something new – about himself. In only 1 hour, he now understands his reaction in a certain situation, or why it is important to make people happy (maybe he had abusive parents and he now understands he should go in therapy because this affects him even today?). If you reach this stage, the client will become very grateful, for giving him insights about himself.

So the manager had a mentoring meeting with his last junior. And practiced what I told him. And now the meeting was great! The junior said, he never thought about this and that, and he learned a lot about himself. The junior was really grateful and thought the mentoring meeting was great. Big success for the manager who never again will have juniors quit on him.

Coaching and selling

If you are a salesperson, you might have heard: let the client do the talking. I had a very hard time doing this, as I mostly just pitched the advantages of our B2B enterprise product. I held a monologue, not a dialogue. But after completing this coaching course, I understand this much better. There is this sales book called “Socratic selling” that I can warmly recommend if you want to learn more how to become a coaching salesperson and ask questions. If reading this book increases your sales skills only 10%, it might be worth to spend 2 hours? It is said that the best B2B enterprise salespersons are those who provide new insights to the customer, and can basically start a consulting company. Such a salesperson equipped with the Socratic coaching technique to connect with the prospect in a deeper way and make him convince himself, is unstoppable.

Coach or a mentor?

So what is the difference between a coach and a mentor? A mentor is someone who have lot of experience, and have faced the problems the client is trying to solve. For instance, it could be an entrepreneur mentor. Such a mentor have founded companies and can tell a freshly minted entrepreneur what solutions work, and does not work. The advantage of using a mentor is that you get tried and tested solutions that work. The drawback is your personal development might suffer. If someone else always solve your problems, how are you supposed to learn and grow? There will come a time when you step outside the mentor’s domain expertise. And then you are on your own again. A mentor is a quick fix and can help you in the short term. But in the long term, a mentor could hamper your personal development, because he does not teach you how to grow and become independent.

A coach is something different. A coach never tells you how to solve a problem. A coach only asks you questions, so you can figure out the solution by yourself. This means a coach does not need any domain experience in the problem you want to solve. A coach can help you within any field. For your long term development a coach is superior.

An example on this. There is this great book “The Code Book” by Simon Singh. It tells about the development of cryptography throughout history. One chapter is about the cryptography department in Poland during early 2nd World War, where they tried to decipher the Nazi messages picked up by radio. The head of the crypto department had access to one of the Nazi crypto machine, so he could decipher all Nazi ciphered messages without problems. But he never told his crypto specialists he could. Why? Because the Nazis might change their crypto machines. If so, he would not be able to read the ciphered messages anymore. Therefore, he let his team practice cracking the current easier Nazi crypto protocols, in the hope that when the Nazis change crypto system to become more difficult, his crypto team had furthered their crypto skills to be able to crack the new crypto systems. The head of the crypto department acted as a coach. He let his own team figure out how to crack the Nazi systems. He did not give them a shortcut, by giving access to the crypto machine.

Coaching is about long term gains and development. Mentoring is about quick fixes, that can be detrimental in the long run. If a man is hungry, it is better to teach a man to fish, than give him a fish.

Coaching is one of the highest ROI skills a team leader can learn, which leads to higher levels of engagement, improved relationships and greater sense of autonomy. All in all, coaching can increase team performance by over 50%. But the vast majority of leaders don’t know how to coach. I sincerely believe you should study coaching if you want to improve your people skills. It was a real eye opener to me.

Case study – school studies

When I teach my math students, I always use the coaching approach. I refuse to solve their problems – because they wouldn’t learn anything. By coaching and asking lot of questions, I activate their problem solving skills so they learn to solve the math problems themselves.

I still, to this day, remember this 12-year girl who always struggled a lot with school. She had average grades. This happened some 20 years ago:

– I have read the physics chapter, and I understand everything, but cannot solve the problems. Please help me solve the problems!
– Nope. If you have read the chapter but still cannot solve the problems, you have in fact, not understood the text. I am not going to solve your problems. Instead I will teach you how to study. Then you will be able to solve all problems by yourself, without any help. So let us begin with the first sentence in this chapter. What does it say?
– It says bla bla
– Now you are just reading the sentence aloud. Tell me what is says, in your own words.
– It says etc etc
– Nope, it does not say that. Try to understand the sentence and distill it with your own words.
– Does it say etc etc?
– Nope. Try again. Think. I will be back in 10 minutes, I have to help that other student sitting over there.
…
– Ok, now I am back. Tell me!
– It says etc bla?
– Nope. What the sentence actually say, is this: bla etc. Now explain it back to me using your own words, and when you have truly understood the first sentence, I want you to write down your words in your book. And then we can dissect the next sentence.
– Huh? But this takes ages! I can not spend 15 minutes on a single sentence!
– Sorry, this is how you study. You will speed up this process greatly, as you get accustomed to this way of studying. This is the way.

So we dissected sentences. After 2 hours, we had analyzed 7 sentences and our time at the volunteering Red Cross study help group was up. I told her to go home and reformulate each sentence in her own words.

Two weeks later she came back to the Red Cross study help group.
– Ah, you are back! How did the physics exam go? Was it difficult?
– My teacher accused me of cheating!
– What? But why???
– I have always been an average student. Now I was best in class!

I never saw her again.